CARVING memories

Watching movies about switched at birth... kinda give me the ooze about real something...
These past few days... getting more pressured and pressured... Not the thing I am gonna smile for anyway... haha... I've been caught up with works, college, sex, and movies... and no one of them give me real joy than a real pain... hahaha maybe I was too arrogant to overcome my problem in life.
I know now that I missed Markus... missed how he act, he speak, etc... but again it will be one of a hell love... he's at jakarta will be at Bali soon... and I am only 19 years old kid who lives in Surabaya... like IDK forever? hahaha someday I wanna go over the world to make lots and tons of good memories... since nowadays I made mistakes and kinda naive to be called a GOOD one... hahaha... still messed up.  but that's true for me now... I don't even resist it anymore. and people say I can be something? for the one who OUT OF LOVE right now... my confidence depleted... hahaha

I wanna share one song today... hope you like it...
From SPICE GIRL from GLEE episode 17 Guilty Pleasure (i think mine is Having Sex rather than Speaking with people hahaha... if someone can guess this someday... I will be his boyfriend lols)

WANNABE => your Boyfriend someday


Ha ha ha ha ha
Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want
So tell me what you want, what you really, really want
I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want
So tell me what you want, what you really, really want
I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha)
I wanna really, really, really wanna zigazig ah

If you want my future, forget my past
If you wanna get with me, better make it fast
Now don't go wasting my precious time
Get your act together we could be just fine

I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want
So tell me what you want, what you really, really want
I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha)
I wanna really, really, really wanna zigazig ah
If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends
(Gotta get with my friends)
Make it last forever, friendship never ends
If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give
Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is

Oh, what do you think about that
Now you know how I feel
Say, you can handle my love, are you for real
(Are you for real)
I won't be hasty, I'll give you a try
If you really bug me then I'll say goodbye

Yo I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want
So tell me what you want, what you really, really want
I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha)
I wanna really, really, really wanna zigazig ah

If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends
(Gotta get with my friends)
Make it last forever, friendship never ends
If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give
(You've got to give)
Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is

So, here's a story from A to Z
You wanna get with me, you gotta listen carefully
We got Em in the place who likes it in your face
You got G like MC who likes it on a...
Easy V doesn't come for free, she's a real lady
And as for me, ha you'll see

Slam your body down and wind it all around
Slam your body down and wind it all around

If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends
(Gotta get with my friends)
Make it last forever, friendship never ends
If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give
(You've got to give)
Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is

If you wanna be my lover
You gotta, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta
Slam, slam, slam, slam (make it last forever)

Slam your body down and wind it all around
Slam your body down and wind it all around
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
Slam your body down and wind it all around
Slam your body down and zigazig ah
If you wanna be my lover

MESSED UP and RED

Should I just shut my mouth when My lovely BFF get bullied and scold?
Should I lie all my life to all of them for thinking I am such a good boy who can never angry?
Should I run away into loneliness when I am still single and all of my ex'es just got their own Boyfriend and Happily marriage with them...
Should I scream or just muted on my bed without giving up sign that i am stressed out or just zombified.

God I am all alone. No one can be my plus one... No one can really be my ears my mouth my body. to feel the pain inside. I am so tired of anything with cases going on... I know maybe other people get  worse cases than me... but for me this is like a frost bite into my life. I wanna telll everybody too, that you can talk to me even though i am gay and have lots of alay gestures... but I am still a human and I can help anything they want me to help... and somehow I too want to have a real friends who will never talk behind my ears. even though i am so dirty a whore to sex and bla bla bla... I wanna be free from this misery. Maybe if mommy novita wants to die these times... I probably wanted it since the day after the operation you know. I still survive these years... because I am having this hope... to be with somebody who really2 knows me well... and that is just to rare to get huh? sitting here when today I will have test ... means I am so broken up without anybody to hold... Liking someone in my class... didn't help but make me sick of being in like with your Best buddy. Liking someone that you cannot reach too... is sucks....





That's what I want by Go, Darmadi Unjaya
Diamond comes from a worthless stone you ever know in this world
but,
With efforts and lots of tempering the stone with mutual concept
Priceless comes to its name... The DIAMOND
and That's what I want

vOID

It is like having :
No eyes when you need to be visible
No ears when you need to be heard
No mouth when you need to speak
No hands when you need to be calmed down
No hugs when you need few of it

Well I think that is so called Go's Life in work in process
I dunno what to think
I dunno what to do
It felt like you just get thrown into deepest well in your heart
and somehow I don't get my heart hurt at all... but what I feel is only numbness in my heart
Is this what it meant by the time you forget how to love your heart dies?

How many times I try to forget and try to live it up my life... it still nothing to feel
Some people say you don't need one reliable man to calm yourself because you can survive on your own
I CAN but somehow sometimes... I need one too.
My deepest regret maybe when I decide to start things up and then ended it with catastrophy
Made my life only become a slut and being looked down because my appearance only not my brain.
Well actually the mega trend that comes into life right now is.
Your look defines what BF you will have and your brain only a condiment or you can call side dish

 Actually when I type this down... tears start crumbling before my eyes... dunno why but this numbness with a lil pain deep in my heart... Start to take over my head... and terrorizing me with this slightly pain but really really deep inside. It seems like you drown in the ocean of sorrows without nobody cares and can help...

I always ended being the one who hears who sees who bears ,,, so maybe today I dedicated my sadness into my account of live... I bbm my friends... my specials... Girlfriends

Who have lots of troubles before getting their right man
 Chatting with her especially Tina... gives me a bump... I know her stories almost all of them.
She had so many sorrows and miseries thrown into her life. But her priceless act and valor bring her into this day. with the man she loves till now and somehow will be get into a marriage... and now... she lives with happiness without pain that constrain her... I am so proud of her life... even though I am only a BFF from high school. I was very very lucky to meet them with all of my BFFs.

The stories will be ended with another poem of course... and still my  heart cannot feel the warmth of someone inside it... maybe it is like an ICE without the core :-)


SORROWBy Go Darmadi Unjaya
Reaping what you sow is the sentences of heart
Leaving it behind with the doors never open to come forward
Stuck in the middle of nowhere constrain like a chained evil
Wanna screw off but never have a courage to because hope still exist
But heart and hope most likely frozen deep inside to the IGLOO
Still wondering such hands will warm it up someday but... not today...
Faraway heaven is like melody, calm but make it hard to find
Sitting here alone without half of your heart... is VOID
Maybe this is what I deserve to get?
Down to the level of my deepest fear ... BEING ALONE

Visually Amazed

Well, as people know that nowadays many people die without being neutralized with the fact that many people born in this world. I think of many things that happened in my life lately. My Late Chems teacher did not survive lung cancer, many people in my life sick and bla bla bla. In some level of thoughts, I know that health is really important especially after the pain I've got yesterday... My body was so cold, my hands and my feet, as ice. I was very afraid at that moment. Yesterday also I missed one of my TOMH class in hospitality because i overslept due to my "sickness" moment.

I really really have to get my health rest ASAP... Boo... but somehow I can't or maybe I won't... I still cannot find the exact situation i am in now. Hahaha... but that was no problem as long as I am still survive this harsh world. well... still got no boyfriend but have lots of friends... It makes me FINE than not having any. maybe for me that's the price...

Today I got into COP program and by means... yep I got IN... yaay... but with lots of activities need a higher responsibility level in my system. so yeah I have to be more cautious with time management and scheduling. I am the leader of LKMB, wanna be MAC division of security, Aspiration committee, wanna be staff at 843 Regiment, COP program development, and definitely one hell of Hospitality management scholar that has lots of TOMH programs :-') hahaha... but yeah I am sure... I will finish what I've started... better be yeah...

I started my blog again because in this short life. I wanna carve plenty of memories during my stay in this tiny lil world. I've seen many people dying without memories can be remembered. So during my life I want to make more and more beautiful steps onward. and someday when I have been brave enough to let my lil family know about my situation these days I will let them read this blog of mine. and by that time I hope I am not the shameful one in this family. hahaha. so that's it for now.

Here's one lil fragment of my day

SHINING by Go, Damadi Unjaya
Shining is not given but taken
Taken is not taking but receiving
Receiving is not staying but doing

Doing means sweat and Commitment
Commitment is what you have by what you say
Like what you say is a truthful liar or a truthful truth

Embracing all you've got is better than just saying
but,
Giving everything what you can give is better that IT
but,
Doing your best with your Commitment means Optimization

One of Brothers said to me
Do not maximized your potential
Instead you optimized it because you can surpass your limit but not your nature :-)

PS : I love these days... even I got loss in class... I still get my life right :-)

Black Burgundy

People usually as persistent as a shadow that always be with us all the time.
But not for these people that usually take place in other people businessess
Well like the color of Black Burgundy. Strong emanating powers but powers to disturb and destruct
In these past few months I have so many things that I wanted to tell all of you but yeah... Time is limited and for me who just get along with my new life as a regiment now... Need to adjust
So I continue my university era with lots of obstacles, new class, new classmates, new border, and definitely new adjustment in this big world of university

Not long ago, yesterday to be exact... my chems teacher from high school died because of lung cancer. Love her so much but yeah. God wants her more than us wanting her to be alive so... He took her away... and I can accept it more more this day. But, actually what I couldn't believe until now is. In that time, there are also another case about my regiment that bothers me with lots of cases. Makes me cry inside all of the time. Why they cannot let me through with moment of condolences instead of bothering me with the politics issues and definitely about the seniority sorority program... DUH...

But yeah I can cope with it and the truth that I still have nobody to ease my pain... is still true...
I have to be in my greatest mood everyday, even there are lots of problems. people asking me questions, telling things, even slandered with their own way. I still have to smile. and WIDE smile I have given to all of them. For me these days... IT's SUCKS very very sucks...

But again. No one understands... No one can cause maybe being gay in this life... have to pay lots lots and lots of prices. well I understand that but can i never be at ease. at least give me one man... gorgeous one for me (LOLS) who can understand... being understand'ed... no cheater... and definitely a man who can cope with both of sides I will grow up with.... and so be it I will understand him too...
LOLS more more these days... my hope and criteria bout boyfriend... just become
at least you are breathing, can cope with me, cute, and definitely a gentleman :-) lols hahahaha

Here's one of my poems in time

5w 1h by Go Darmadi Unjaya
Cascade has been layered over the window
Crystal has been refined throw the tow
Memories has been carved over the shadow

Is that what people wanna have?
Only politics that screw the wave?
Giving others pain by taking the live?

Wanna ask for the brittle bird that comes alive
who is really for me to show my greatest fear and happiness
what is the real choice in my life to put me in ease
why is the politics always consume hearts of the finest
when it will be done, the pain of misery consuming me
where I will be gone someday if love is gone
How I am gonna survive these life without man beside me

the answer...

Let the Time tell you
Let the Destiny arrives
Let the justice prevail
Let the mind ease you
Let the butterfly take you
Let the man have you...

Thank you

Goodbye means Sayonara

2 years with chemistry
2 years with you
2 years carving memories
As long as that I met you with the strong personality

As a teacher... You are such wonderful and admirable Teacher

As a chemistry teacher... Your education for me taught me about how wonderful chemistry can be even with lots of sorrow and tears I have to learn all of that... But it is worthy

As a woman... You are the strongest woman in my year in petra 2, it comes from your determination and the strength to cope with the world of students that seems really hard but you always happy and survive even cheerful with one or two of your humors.

And now I hope in HEAVEN you will be alright without all the misery you had in the past, without sadness, without the pains.

It is like yesterday when I meet you in the classroom asking questions about chemistry. but here you are now... leaving all of us with deepest grief.

Thank you Miss Dra. Jeanne Indradewi for the memories, for the lessons, and for the smile always...

As the time has gone by, broken wings flew apart
And shadow arises from the ground
With all last strength fly away to the heaven up above
This time... Let us greet Good Bye and have an eternal peaceful sleep
May you be born in Heaven that always cherish the meaning of LOVE, SMILE and HAPPINESS

Good Bye miss Jeanne.
Good Bye my beloved Chemistry teacher
You will be always in our heart
May all being always be happy
BBU
GBU :-)

There is one poem for remembering you

As the rain comes from condensation
Let it be the heart of people be amazed
As a glance of happiness without commemorating sadness
Let it be the wings of an angel take you to Heaven
Carving such wonderful memories
The best fortune I ever have
Marks and lessons can be forgotten
But Memories will remains deep inside one's heart
Never have a grief of misery
but a happiness towards all being because
When someone die someone's freed
Lil thing to be remembered...
Honor what has been left and let it shine through your life
Shine the darkness that remains...
The last Words
THANK YOU & GOOD BYE
Miss Jeanne Indradewi
1.30 13-3-2013 @ Darmo Hospital :-)

Love you ma'am
Body will perish
but you will remain :-)