What Life has become for me

After the break up and the nasty truth about life What Life has become for me???

Once or maybe twice or thrice... I ever asked myself How am I now...
But I still get the exact answer because I know everything still changing and not stabilized at this moment... I know that because somehow... I still feel hurt about the past relationship and yeah.. even though i will be graduating this august I still cannot find where I belong in this world... Hahaha I feel numb i feel tortured... But again and again that is just my mind playing tricks on me.

I wanna keep that way but again I am getting too emotionally attached with my pain and somehow that pains linger... Cried a lot screamed a lot... and sometimes i can feel the jor of everyone being happy and sweet about life. I wanna ask God few questions... why He did this to me and that... once, I get the answers but the next I feel that answer is still not enough and again i accepted it but the next day i don't. Well here it is a little emotional thoughts

Why my life is that miserable? losing someone I love gradually because I am too constraining again and again? Am I that bad so people never give a damn things about my feelings? I know I am not that good looking or rich or even has the ability to make everyone like me... but is that the sole cause so everyone can mess things up with me? Why God why? I am so lonely in this world even though lots of people are there for me... I still feel that at my lonely hours... In my boarding house i have no one to talk to... I want to talk I wanna be happy I wanna this and that... But I guess I dont deserve to get what I want but only what I need...

Maybe someday , I hope someday there still one man that can know that I am exist... not only for lust... but to build a home with me... I know I am not perfect... I know almost all of my life are messed up not to say that I am not a healthy kind of guy anymore... but yeah... I am still hoping there will be someone to talk to and someone that can be beside me... for the rest of my little life...

In Bones Season 10 Episode 22 I learnt that... seeking a closure means only a delutional things in life... So I asked to myself... Do i really need to seek closure that badly... ???

Darkest Light by Go Darmadi Unjaya
Behind the darkest sky
There will a Shimmering Light
Hope and Despairs 
Becomes one in realities
Wish the light across the street
Having all the home to have a place to rest
Man to man all the life to the best
Finding an answer from God to test

Get used to be used by people that I used... :-) :-) :-)

That is what my condition is... hehe too late to update so I will update it tomorrow hahaha.... It is already tomorrow though @.@

Well it is not good but it is not bad either... SO WHAT IS IT???

It has been months since i posted here... welll such a long time freezing this blog up. but yeah.. I have my story... but again... not only a good one but a bad one too... haha

Well... my sixth semester is over with tears and laughs... and i am gonna say i am quite proud of it even though still have some heart problem of disappointment I still have a lil bit of a happy ending. It is not an ending though but you can call it the ending of one chapter in my life...

As you can see... It is about a boy again. I stop my previous since I get a mind opener from one case in my life... I am sick ... really sick. and then I have to get a treatment... then I got allergic to that treatment. and knowing that the truth was that I am so stressful and tired physically and mentally. Quite a problem... I get skin allergic for the time I was in my project. But I keep fighting since i will not give up till the last breath I breathe. Then I finish my project brilliantly... with 2 warning letters that seems so untrue but real... hahahaha... quite jumbled there... 

Then moving onto second phase that I recovered from my allergy and start gymming again. voila at last... Well getting healthier day by day I found out that once a CAT it will always a CAT... there I am gonna stay dormant for love since I cannot perfectly control the life of mine...

Third phase... I realize that my heart was already stolen since the day I met him after the first Development program at my campus... i was an instructor for the physical disciplinary program and he was my junior. I didn't get the chance to train him but somehow he knew me... That time in the SQUARE... I was introduced to him and knowing him. I find it very funny though since i am the senior and he is still freshman that time. but his personality... attract me. I was afraid then to give my heart again. but in the time that passing so fast... Our relationship getting funnier and somehow better... I know him, chatting with him. get to know him. but when I have my project I am losing contact with him for 2 and half months... But then after all of my project is gone... I ask him to meet me. and he came.... that made me so happy really happy. the following days we spent it like a good friend but never be a bestfriend... hahaha.. because in the end... I made a mistake. have him mad... and yeah... we lost contacts till now. ironically speaking... Last time I met him was when the second development program was begun... and I serve him... got a lil chance to ask him what happened. but i only got to see him teasing me... Yeah whatever.. but the last day i saw him... He told me "better we don't see each other anymore" well yeah that is harsh and heart throbbing for me. but that is again... the story of my life. I am grateful for it for I learnt something by IT... STILL... you are stealing my heart until now. miss you like a crazy but never can say that I like you a lot I wanna try to be your boyfriend someday... :-)

For you who are so lonely and closed... I am gonna tell you one poet ...

LONEWOLF by Go Darmadi Unjaya

Losing will get us chill

Craving for a deal without meal

Thy show the prove that shove

Glaring harshly leaving quickly

Thou lonewolf have a soul

A wither one to be honed

A desperate one to be  cared

A lovely one to be noticed

As you can see why it is free

Because the heart that it is pure

For the soul to be free

so that it will be cherish more and more

Be with me o thy lonewolf

As if the world is the hope

Walk closely to be hold 

Because you are my lonely wolf

PS : for someone who has WHY in his name... (missing you so much bro)

Nothing can describe HIM as just a BOY... (no one to talk to so just uploaded it)

Hey everyone. long time very very long time not seeing all of you and my blogspot. It is just I am so busy these days and got no inspiration to write in this blog... All of you may know that now i am at my 6th semester going to open my own cafe and hotel... in my campus. hahahaha... so the readers... if you wanna come just come in the april 22nd yeah... I am looking forward to it. hahahaha.... Well what i want to tell you is not that information only. I, again want to tell you about my life in these times...

On december I got so great present for my birthday such as a New Galaxy Mega Phone. and yeah... like it even love it so much.... hahahaah then I get into a committe for STKN in the end of the year. I spent my time with committees and Yeahhh.. it felt so good meeting new friends and a new crush... But later on. he just being a good friend of mine... who supportively supporting me hahahaha....

On January, I just got nothing to do than a holidays... yeah HOLIDAYS guys. finally after many times waiting for returning home. I got the chance... In my house at mojokerto city... I have so many pleasure such as I could spend times with my wonderful families especially in the Chinese new year. I love them so much and always love them... hahahaa I hope that our families will be freed from the IOU... hahaha... lols... I really wish for that.... So that is for January...

On February... In this moment before valentine... I get something to tell you... It will be my lonely valentine but Only for this year ends... because I believe next year... I will be with him... Well this is my story...I knew him for a sites called MJ... I thought he was in Surabaya so I ask him to have a little chat with me... I don't know why he gave me his Pin... at first... I thought it will be just one night stand again and pfft it is over... but yeah... My chat with him just started with a warm welcome in the night... Asking for names and somehow bot of us have unique names... hahaha one is go one is boy... hahahha... We started our talks in that one night... he even combine both of our names as Go Boy... and somehow I felt very close to him... all of my worries just gone and I enjoyed it...We were talking about japan since he was comiing from a mix family lil bit japanese and Bataknese. he told me many  things bout him like he is an employee now and yeah many  things... hahaha... we talked like crazy that time...At may... he will go to Vietnam. for 5 months... that time I felt like... Oh My God. what can I do to be with him if our distance just get further... but yeah... that time I still not having the problems... He told me something that I will remember the rest of my life... He loves my cheeks. because it is like dumplings...weird but I love it. hahaha... silly but yeah... I like it and thats.. why  I like it in the first...I even share my problems with him. and He helped me through my problems...

He worked in Karawang but he lived in Jakarta... and yeah. he shares problems too with me. and i was like. I trust him and he trust me... we talked a lot... well actually I am the one who talked a lot and he just talked a little. but yeah I was okay since... It is like he has known me very well... we shared I dont know. SOME THING... hahahaah...This valentine I ask him to be my valentine... but it is not the time yet. hahahaha since the things that is a great wave will only just come afterwards...
He told me everything I told him everything... but until one day...
What I really remembered... just ... He told me to stop.. stop to not reply his BBM and stop to not end to guard him. And SO I WILL do that for him...

But 2 days ago many things got jumbled and voila my relationship just like downward spiral...
My brother in term... told me that he got a crush on a person... first I know him as nishikawa so yeah it is not my BOY... hahaha... but yeah that sunday... he updated his status and I was just shocked... and somehow... boy's bbm is not active for me to ask the truth. I cried for the thing happened to me... but again the next day I decided to keep fighting for his love... hahaha... then i got deleted by my brother... I still do not know why... but yeah... it is just a story  of my life... So for now... I will keep believing BOY even though he is doubting me... I told him my darkest secrets... I will come clean. I will test my health. and yeah... That is for me to be healthy so I can protect MY BOY... forever... Hahahaha.. maybe this is what you called LOVE OR LIKE IS JUST ALIKE... hahahahaha...


Love Pain and Bittersweet are 3 words for you to grab when you are in love
But someone said to me... that Love is happiness and when you love someone means you will fight for every challenges given to both of you... SO I WILL.. :-)

Waiting for 14th... so I can be with you in BBM... I am sorry ya Boy. for not believing. and now I know how it felt to be doubted by you... hahaha. I will gain it again even I have to go to Jakarta or Vietnam

Beberapa waktu yang aneh namun menyenangkan hahahaha

Hey everyone. lagi males nulis pake bahasa alien alias bahasa inggris hari ini. so yeah I will say it in Indonesia campur sari lah ya. haahahaha... lols ga kerasa juga udah sebulan lebih gue ga update yang namanya blog ini. serasa surem sih tanpa ada tambahan di blog ini. serasa ga ada sesuatu yang bisa digosipin lagi gitu (however I still hear about my gossip everywhere around my major T-HEE). Ya ya ya. untuk beberapa minggu ini gue absen blogging because... OH were starting and it took the hell of my time to spare. hahahaha... yah secara OH 4 hari membuat 1 minggu gue terlalu capek buat muntahin semua uneg2 guwe di blog ini. but yeah let's cut that bullshit around here or else. there will be so many gossip in these past few weeks made by (of course anonymous one who thought they made fun of me but in reality they made fun of themselves)....

So. banyak sekali kejadian yang udah terjadi dalam hidup gue ini. mulai dari minggu pertama OH yang bener-bener nyenengin di produk (oh how I really loved to cook) yang membuat gue makin cinta ama yang namanya motong bawang sampe ng puree shrimp bisque. hahahaha... lols yeah that's the first week with cooking.

Second week. ga bisa berharap lebih emang untuk seorang pendatang baru yang agak-agak aneh kek gue... lols jadi bahan pembicaraan orang-orang aja. seminggu pas service bener-bener lucu dan well yeah adaptasi buat gue blogger. banyak kejadian yang buat gue dipandang agak rendah ama temen-temen sekelompok. but yeah it is okay since i made a mistake that time. hahahahah saking senengnya gua ngomong gua kagak ngerti kalo apa yang gua omongin bener-bener ga penting sampe membuat beberapa orang annoyed. ya sudah sih. gua bisa bilang apa.... ya terima naseb aja emang dasar gue perlu dipahami dan terima bukan cuman memahami dan menerima... hahahaha... Gue ga bakal banyak omong sih untuk minggu kedua since ya itu sudah selesei gitu loh

minggu ketiga juga keadaan ga makin tambah baik. gue makin males ama kelompok jadinya gua malah ga ada feel buat komunikasi ama mereka. toh yang diomongin juga omongan orang kaya semua. dinner di resto ini habis 2 juta lah. beli hadiah buat pacar mereka 3 juta lah. bla bla bla. emang susah sih kalo ada di dunia orang bourgois kek dunia guwe. lols tapi ya didengerin aja lah itung2 buat referensi kalo gue nanti udah kaya and mau ngajak makan pacar gue... lols. inrtinya. minggu ketiga gue sering ngantuk gara2 di bar kagak ada kerjaan. ya iyeleh. bar sekecil itu yang kerja 13 orang, jelas cepet selesainya. prep udah selesai, parktikum buat minuman udah selesai. sisanya cuman tinggal bincang2 yang topiknya sendiri gue kagak ngerti. nah begimane gue kagak ngantuk @.@... hehehehe... jadilah gue menghimpun tenaga dengan cara tidur. tapi bukannya ga nglakuin tugas loh ya. tugas gue selesai duluan... tapi yah karena label udah langsung melekat dari mana-mana... naseb lagi emang udah biasa gue dilabelin... hihihi... tapi at least berakhir dengan lumayan memuaskan lah minggu ketiga OH gue hahahahah

Minggu keempat agak galau lagi soalnya Housekeeping dan u know what readers... BB gue kecemplung di WC and somehow... rusak terkorosisasi or whatever lah namanya apaan. jadilah minggu HK guwe ga ada alarm... and yeah telat untuk hari pertama. dan cuman bisa pasrah dan menghela dada. terus ada orang yang tanya ke gue setelah itu alamat kos gue. udah gua kasih. tiba2 nyeletuk... "kita bukane ga peduli ama kamu, tapi kita gatahu kamu dimana, sekarang kasih tahu alamatmu supaya kita bisa kasih kamu info kalo kamu telat"well... terharu sih ada yang bilang gitu ke gue... tapi hari pertama kompre ga ada bukti bahwa gue dibangunin or diobrak-obrak sih.... sampe akhirnya gua dateng jam 10 and voila telat lagi deh... but yeah apa mau dikata.... cuman bisa pasrah antara lulus apa ga ini HK gue... lols... but yeah. I know I was late... and the jackpot was... bersih-bersih toilet ampe keringetan yang dipikir dosen2 gue baru kecemplung kali @.@ alamakk... hahahaa.... tapi minggu keempat ini yang paling menarik. karena gue jadi tahu bahwa selanjutnya gue sebagai orang, harus MANDIRI dan cuman boleh percaya ama kata-kata gue sendiri and ortu, keluarga and temen2 baik gue... selain itu. .... Didengerin ajalah. kalo ada buktinya ya syukur kalo ga ya... pasrah aja hahahahahahahaha....

Minggu kelima di FO... di mana semua tekanan berat dibebankan ke aku sebagai pembuat proposal dan dekorator dari hotel... hahahaha... diteken ampe kek emping mlinjo saat itu... rasanye sesek banget.. udah proposal kerja sendiri, ngarang sendiri. dibantu juga tetep harus revisi, ditanya-tanyai cuman bisa mlongo dan kuping panas... but From that moment gue belajar untuk jadi orang yang tidak terlalu gampang mengeluh (walopun masih belajar. yah namanya masih belajar=>alasannnn.) hahahahaah... tapi yah alhasil bisalah FO gue. walo ga perfek at least nilai gue bagus... hahahaha... banyak hal yang pengen gue keluhin di sini. cuman yah udah berakhir sih masa mengeluh. so ya gue cuman cerita aja  pengalaman gue yang agak lucu dan intriguing... wkwwk....

Minggu keenam Pastry minggu terakhir yang menurutku paling keren... impian gue terkabul akhirnya bisa buat kue yang selama ini gue tunggu2. walopun gue ga pernah dapet menu dessert... at least gue bisa bantu2 temen2 tim yang buat dessert. benere sih pengen banget buat dessert... hahahaaha mau nyoba resepnya yumeiru patissieru sih soalnya... cuman ga ada kesempatan ya udah... maybe next time lah ya. wkkakakakaka... lols di sini aku di judge oleh dosen karena ke-ngantukanku sebelum2nya. tapi yah karena emang udah terjadi, gue cuman bisa menerima dengan kata2 "iya pak saya salah, soalnya saya insomnia" hahaha that cliche again. tapi ya mau apa boleh dibuat... wkwkwkw... lols.. oke so pastry rasanye kek surga karena bisa buat roti and cake seperti yang gua idam-idamkan. tapi... you know lah masalah itu buat kita hidup lebih tertantang. masalahnya adalah... wkwkwkk... still cannot blend dengan baik ama anak2. tapi udah lebih akrab lah ya. walaupun beda feelnya ama bff gue dulu di sma hahahaha... lols...

After all things from OH. comes DKBM, HK and FO test
nah di sini part yang seru.... banyak sekali orang yang secara langsung manggil2 nama gue dengan aksen kebanci2an. err hello ... i am gay not ladyboy. masak juga ga bisa bedain. and juga... gue ngomong ama tiap cowok di perhotelan langsung semua pada senyum2 ga jelas... mungkin itu paranoia gue aja sih cuman yah kalo bener-bener mereka ngetawain gue... gue cuman bisa bilang. Kayak cowok di perhotelan tipe gue aja... @.@ bukan ng jinx ato apa... cuman yah gue pengennya berteman bro. and gue juga bukan gay yang se desperate itu kok ampe tiap cowok di perhotelan yang gua ajak bicara gua embat. lagian juga JAUH dari kriteria gue jelas pasti ga ada feel lebih dari sekedar temenan. tapi gitu ae lo yohhh... kok cek susahe. ampe dirasa-rasani dipacok-pacokno mbe I dun even know who @>@ lucunya di depan mataku pas lagi. hahahaha... mau di bales omel ntik dikira mbleyer. ga dibales menjadi-jadi. agak susah sih... lols...gue emang masih single sodara2 cuman gue juga ga akan suka ama yang namanya SEKIA... lols udah cukup gue ketemu PRETENDER yang makin buat gua ilfeel tiap hari dengan statusnya yang ga jelas... menurut gue. sesama gay should help each other. not making an enemy to each other. hahahahaha...
Setiap hari menjalani hari dengan pura-pura punya pacar cewek. abisin uang buat nraktir lah beliin kado. tapi toh ujung2nya dia juga suka cowok... :-) hahahahaha  I dun want to say it yet coz i dun think I need to say it. cuman ya yang sekarang aku liat... akhirnya toh kenyataan yang bakal bicara tentang kejujuran darimu BRO... lols... no hard feelings ya... dulu aku inget betul supaya aku ga caper or slengekan. dari situ aku belajar lo BRO. aku jadi lebih serius dan jadi takut mau ngajak guyonan kamu or ngomong mbe kamu, takut mbo marahi lagi di depan arek2 kek dulu. tapi kok ya sekarang kamu seng jadi gini... lols... cuman yah... saran sih... be true to yourself... kasian juga cewek yang lu pacarin. sedikit2 pertengkaran heboh... lols woakakaa.. tapi... up to you anyway.. aku cuman bisa bilang. let everything be cleas as the time let it be.......

Udah ah. gitu aja update gue yang PUANJANG hahahah.... silahkan yya para gossipper... dibaca, dibahas, dan dipahami buat kapan2 gosipin saya lagi... wakakakakak... lols.... tapi inget diantara kalian juga ada saling ketidakjujuran loh. dan itu kalau tak ungkap satu persatu. :-) hehehehe... teruskanlah... asal jangan keterlaluan. lumayan itung2 latian di dunia kerja beneran... lols

Not everyone can accept you perfectly right... but you have to perfectly accept yourself then everyone... xixixixixi....

SEMANGAT TEMEN2 ku. untuk UJIAN BESOK... hehehehe... lols I hope kita semua lulus dengan baik dan senyum... lols....

NB : please be honest to me... daripada cuman ngrasani :-)

REGARDS

Go Darmadi Unjaya

What is sincerity and what it means being alone?

After a long hibernation of me... hahahaha... I do not even know if they are stop reading my blog or not... :-) nowadays anyway... :-) i feel so much relaxed. My OH already started and yeah I have to focus becoming hotelier with my team... So.... Single doesn't mean I am alone for now... just being alone when you need a mood booster but you cannot find a man to comfort you. only that thing... Overall I can survive my life to the fullest...

Well yeah... Let us talk about sincerity today... hahaha what is sincere and what is sincerity for me...
well being sincere is doing something without any feedback hoped or wished.... hahaha... maybe that is a funny meaning from me... but yeah. when you do things for people and you only want to do it because you want to do it means you are sincere for me... cause yeah... that is sincere without motives... but in this today's worlds... How many people is sincere from their own heart... many people do things better and better only to get something. higher marks they intend to lick their teacher's ass, higher salary they intend to put smile and the body on sale for her/his boss to be noticed... I am not saying that no people are sincere... but yeah... they are degradating like human organs with necrosis parts... But yeahhhh.... that is a part of my understanding of this kind of world... rich man or poor man are all the same about sincerity... so yeah... it is only for us to choose whether we want to be sincere to others and myself or do the opposites... but... from my point of view... I will do everything sincere even though I may not like it that much... at least If I do it, I will be better in the future to know about sincerity... I can say but i am not 100% percent sure about it too. so yeah again and again let us learn and study together about it... hhehehe....

Yeah... for all readers, petra colleagues or others... Hope you will do everything sincere yeah... there are some person that I admire for their sincerity and for their unsincerity hahahaha... but yeah... doesn't take away your happiness kok only to be sincere ....




Hello guys, all the readers. I know you don't miss me HAHAHAHA... but yeah I miss to tell the world how happy I am now or how sad I am now. but finally in this free day I got the chance to upload a lil bit of my mind for all of you to know. I might be good at presentation but somehow I am not that good to talk with person that emotionally attached to me, whether it is a painful, happiness, or hatred emotion. But yeah I learn to be a better man lah not a better bitch... One thing that I cannot stand is someone who scold me without reason in the past because of my childish behaviour and "looking for attention"things and then he did the same thing I did in the future... hahaha... but yeah I am writing this not to offend someone (even though if he read it still he won't understand it :-) peace bro... it is a joke cause you say i am too stiff now I am being a joker) Yeah I think that is alll from my heart to puke hahahahaha... puke huh... lols wakakakaka... yeah after that hellish day. I got my payment from my family... love you all for today... great day, great experience and great richese factory for their amazingly spicy red wings hahahahahaha....


Well even though tonight I am still single... I am happy cause in my lonely night I still got so many friends that cheered me with their warmness... You never know of the world of man till you got one man to on your side forever and ever loving you like crazy after series of trouble, killing each other, hugging, spitting, laughing, cuddling, hating, and L-O-V-I-N-G.... so yeah peace of my friends who interested in my story for gossiping or just for an inspiration... I wish you all the best of luck :-)

SINCERE LOVE
by : Go Darmadi Unjaya

Pointing at the sky up high
never see the moon only the stars
so many but none that is my feeling
I lost so many but gains more
expectation are just a blur love story
Looking forward of reality is just a perfect things to do...
but remember nothing is perfect but nothing...
:-)  Loneliness will comes
:-) Loneliness will go
:-) Tears flowing
:-) Tears flowering
:-) Smile is gone
:-) Smile to come
:-) Smile is coming

Never say blue out of black
cause you have red out of everything.
that is for LOVE sincere ONE

Hi Guys my Fellow Friends :-)

Some of you maybe already know about my darkest secret by the help of another fellow students :-)
I must say very thank you for those people who even wanted to read this humble blogspot of mine
I am very sorry about the previous contains that might has something peculiar about my love story that enable the vulgarity things... I just want to make some little announcement

It maybe disturb you the readers
It might makes you disgust.

I know because nobody is a perfect one that can always be loved by every people

I welcome people who always accept me and standing besides me for remembering me the sweetness of friendship that last forever

I also welcome people who want to know me more and not being judgmental of me and about my decision in life

All of you can have lots of perspectives in your mind... but as wise as wiseman you should clarify things with the exact correct people or it will be misunderstanding... I do not like misunderstanding because of unreasonable logic that can cross over my dignity

So for all people that already read my blog and have tons of curiosies, with a warm welcome you should clarify them to me... I will be glad to clarify things for you... just not make assumption about me and my friends or even my families... Because if you do that and I know it... :-) We should get more professionals not a Gossip Girls :-) AM I right :-)


I can take whatever you want to say for me... but no offense needed coz I can do it too :-)