Hi All,
This is what I have been through since my last update...
I finally found the one that is now become the partner in my life...
But lots of challenges are happening... but until now... I am sure that I am handling it very well
I know that I am fucked up man but again, I dont know why I can say the "L" word to him easily...
Is it just because he is easy to love or that I am so messed up I am saying that word easily...
Many thoughts, many insecurities, many arguments...
People say that a healthy relationship is built on a healthy arguments and understandings...
BUT...
is it also a distance that built more successful relationship...
Here we come to my jumbled mind now...
Talking about what I think and what I want but also what I need...
So basically this partner of mine has lots of layers that I need to breakdown... but I am also challenged by his changing behavior every time I was into deep communication with him. Sometimes he is cheerful and loving, sometimes he is cold and mysterious, sometimes he is so stubborn and jerk... but sometimes also he is wounded and vulnerable... That is what I have got in these past 5 weeks with him but 2 weeks separated by DISTANCES...
I know he is a very mature man and looking for equality in our partnership, so he worked very hard tirelessly to become a man worthy enough to stand by my side... well... I am applauding his courage to become better man for me. well but I think he is becoming a better man for himself... But both of the choices are OKAY with me... why... I might be a little confuse about his changing behaviors but I know that is because many things happened in his 'almost' 32 years of living in the world of this treacherous mankind... Life has not been that well in the his younger years... and TRAUMA is consuming him for a very long time. but in my opinion, he has done very well in his life but somehow life is not in favor of him... I am asking myself... Can I be his motivation to heal himself...
THE ANSWER is... MAYBE...
Maybe Yes I can be his motivation to heal himself since I know my capabilities as a healer and motivator. I know I have been through a lot also so I can relate even though what I have is only a short time memories of loving... I know I can do it so I can penetrate the deep wall he built in these past years...
Maybe No... Because his wall is too thick and like my past relation, I got shut out again and again and I cannot give what he want... So somehow it is inevitable that I might lose the battle... again...
BUT I already gave my heart to him... and I am not the one that is back off from a challenge given to me... He challenged me to survive 3 months of the partnership in distances... and I accept the challenge... SO BE IT... I know I will survive the hardest storm with him... I know I will because deep down... I know what I am capable of... So DRH I promise you this... I might be veryyyy clingy to you, I might be a veryyyyy childish person you will ever know in your life... I might broken one or two of my promise in the future... but by no means I will ever give up what we have today. I might be very naughty to handle I might be very needy. but taught me well and I will be the one that is enought for you to rely on. not because I have money, but because I have sincerity and I have spirit to protect you. We will protect each other and we will cherish the partnership we have until someday we are mature enough to have hand in hand... MARRIAGE...
ONE POEM FOR YOU...
ME BEFORE YOU
by Go Darmadi Unjaya
As the sky turning Red
Remember the gloom that turn to shred...
You come without asking
As the leave without something
I fucked up
I messed up
We both are...
From the start where we are...
I am both foolish also childish
You are both realist also oldies...
By any means we met as the bed on the street.
By any chance we falling as the impact from the meet
Now we are intertwined with the fate of a bliss
Will it be the one that give us thing for a feast.
ME BEFORE YOU is always egoist
YOU BEFORE ME is always egoist
Both of us are a creature that relinquish
For thou shall come before me and I before you.
Dreaming life beside each other in the same soil
THE END is just THE BEGINNING
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